Will My Soul Look Cute In Heaven? : A Meditation On The Afterlife

I have been reading a lot about near death experiences lately. Fascinating as they are, all of the accounts I've read can't seem to evade the most unfortunate cliches; "white lights", "tunnels", "life reviews" etc.

And don't get me started on book titles; you can basically put any preposition before the word death and it exists as a book about the subject: "beyond death" "alongside death" "underneath death" "totally into death"

Dying shouldn't be a verb, as it is not active enough, especially when thinking about other, more thrilling verbs like "face-punching" or "quilting".

When I get to heaven, will my soul be attractive? I hope my consciousness is hot. Shit, if I want to survive up there, my soul better look good. Otherwise, what else have I got? Kindness? Boring. Virtue? Over it. Great soul- boobs? CHECK.

Do religions mix in heaven? I've always wanted to try out Greek Orthodox, as I have a thing for lamb and hair gel.

Do you think they have Karaoke in heaven?

Does heaven mean being stuck inside a giant YouTube video where a bunch of people sing 'I believe I can fly' in front of a giant green screen? I can imagine that. Who doesn't love singing Karaoke surrounded by a bunch of angelic cats and happy basketballs? Who? Find me this person.

Is heaven's backdrop one giant green screen?

Because every religion seems to have a different take on the whole heaven narrative.

I imagine the following scenes

Judaism:

Moses is your psychologist. You are lying on a giant pink sofa in the clouds. Suddenly god storms in, flushed with embarrassment "Pink, Moses? Seriously?" God says "Are you gay or did they give you a discount on this thing?"... " I'm really sorry about him" God'll whisper to you. "I'd get Woody Allen, but I don't have the heart to kill him yet. He really did redeem himself with Midnight in Paris"


Christianity:

All-you-can-eat buffet with a twenty piece band called "Lionel Richie and The Richies" made up of twenty Lionel Richies. They'll be singing "All Night Long" . On eternal loop. (here is the song).

Sh'ello(shalom + 'ello) From England

Listen, I'm sorry. To put it simply, I've been avoiding you. Honestly, for a while, I just didn't feel like talking to you. I thought about going gay so I wouldn't have to blog anymore, but my heterosexuality is just too overt (my sunken Jewish eyes and vocal aversion to lesbians are probably the main give- aways.)

So why have I been avoiding you? Well, isn't it obvious? I've been busy working (watching TV online) and reading(watching TV on television) and well, living (watching TV naked). Can't I live?

Okay, I'm in England. I moved here two months ago. After graduating college and taking two years off to think about working, I was spent. One afternoon I was helping my niece with an English assignment, and I said to myself You know what? I really do like this English business. I think I'll go and get another degree. And here I am. In England. Getting an MA. I don't have a niece.

I'm not really "getting" an MA so much as I'm "taking it up". That's right, I said "taking it up", like a cooking class; pay enough and you can get someone famous like Gorden Ramsey to teach you how to braise scallops and then beat the verbal shit out of you with his unfounded rage.


I've been reading a lot of Freud lately. In an attempt to quell my sexual desires(which I have an excess of, apparently), I've been listening to Radiohead while lacerating my lips with a tree branch. It's the only logical conclusion.

What I'm trying to say is, I haven't made any friends yet. I know, you couldn't tell. But here I am, telling you.

I told my mom that I didn't have any friends and she said not to worry, that maybe I should try making friends with "verbs", and I said mom, you can't make friends with verbs, and then I thought maybe she wanted me to befriend some Native Americans because they use verbs in their tribal names (running horse, floating cricket, etc). But then I thought about it some more and I realized she just wanted me to leave my room.

Stay tuned.

Sincerely,

Judith