Blood Clots

It's all about strokes these days.

In fact, the other day, I was watching a video of a neuroanatomist who had a stroke. She had a big clot in the left hemisphere of her brain, and one morning she woke up to realize she couldn't speak/ understand language/ the boundries of her body, etc.
She was happy, for a moment, she said.

I mean, when you think about it, she's clearly saying that the left side or the "analytical side" of the brain is Jewish. We'd all be secretly happy if it were gone.

I recently read a study comparing the left side of the brain to a Jew on ritalin.
One patient who had a clot on his right hemisphere, exhibited extreme emotional discomfort and irritation, and at one point, it was noted, he yelled "please, for the love of god, stop talking". When the patient was asked who was talking, he replied, "I don't know her name, but she has a nasaly voice and, for some reason, I feel she has a big nose." He continued, "She asked why I wasn't in graduate school. 'Your brother Joshua has a PHD!', the woman kept yelling. And then she went on about the holocaust, and diet soda. I couldn't make her stop."

In conclusion, if I lost the left side of my brain, would that make me a Christian by default? Because I would be fine with that.

Maybe Christianity needs to expand their conversion process to include the induction of blood clots. Because, come on, a fucking priest waving a stick over my head and sprinkling water on my face isn't going to erase 23 years of guilt. A stroke will.

Small Teeth

Wouldn't it be funny to describe someone as having small teeth? As though small teeth said something about your personality. Like, Oh he has small teeth? Yeah, he's gay. And he is gay, but that is just a coincidence.


Girl 1: Yeah, I met a guy with small teeth yesterday. You know those kind of guys.

Girl 2: Yeah, Totally

I'm not dead. Do you care?

My soul was recently salted, dried, and shamelessly torn to pieces by corporate Israel. Now, while I am "physically" still alive, I am completely dead in every other respect.

What I'm trying to say is, I decided to become an adult and get a real office job. One of those shady hi-tech companies offered me employment me as a content writer. I took the job impulsively, because I wanted to work and because I am impulsive. I didn't realize what it would actually be like. Sitting in front of a computer for nine hours a day, writing mindless, eye-stabbing promotions is not anything like they described in the interview. I specifically remember the phrase "bar-mitzvah atmosphere" being tossed around. And let me tell you, that is not AT ALL what they meant. And excuse me, but I can only drink so much powdered french-vanilla coffee before exploding in diarrhea.

Nine hours... that's a really long time. I could do a lot of other way more interesting stuff in nine hours.

Here is a list of things I could do other than my job.

Watch 9 movies

Ask 9 people for my hand in marriage (I’d of course, politely decline).

And so on..

Things That I Cannot Deal With

Living in Tel Aviv after college is not as sponatenous as the idea. At first, you are more concerned with getting the fuck out of New York than you are with having another life somewhere else. And then you get to Israel, where, very shortly after you realize you're dealing with a higher ratio of incompetent people than you dealt with in the states. Two months later, your boss agrees to increase your pathetic salary by a shekel. That's when you start to lose control. DO NOT LAUGH, IDIOT. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

Here is a current list of things I cannot deal with

Not Having A Gratifying Job
I'm an underpaid English language teacher. English language teacher. As in, I speak the language I teach, so I'm not learning anything (except that I've started using words I wouldn't normally use in conversation, like "product line" from my Business English class, and "Mr. Bean", from my kids class... You know, the one I've given up teaching alltogether.) I should start stealing.

Being a Jew
Take away the J and all you're left with is "ew". Do you see what I'm getting at here?

Living in an Old Apartment
So many people with unfinished business must have lived here, because when I sit on this rusty toilet at night, I swear I can hear the voice of an old yemenite man whispering " Please don't poop, it's not polite. Shalom".

The Weather is Great, but I Don't go Outside
It's sunny everyday, and everyone is outside. Except me. I'm inside. I'm teaching or I'm in my apartment. Really, I resent the weather and the outdoors. Because they enjoy themselves and other people enjoy them, while I limp around inside all day like a sad Jew creature.

Having an Acute Pot Addiction
I'm just going to go ahead and put it out there. When it's around, I'm around (sometimes I go out of my way to be around.)
Hey, at least I go to the gym (two weeks and strong).

Jarents

My parents --or "Jarents" as I like to call them (for my Christian readers, that's "Jew parents")-- came to visit last week. My mom said I looked "lucious". At first I thought, She thinks I'm fat.. but then I realized, No, she thinks I'm smart. It's funny because I haven't really done much of anything since I've been here. I mean, I'm here to represent Tel Aviv and all, but let's face it, for American 20-somethings with "trust funds" (not me, but I do have a $$$father$$$) and "internships" it's just a vacation spot. I've spent more time on my computer than I have scratching my nose. I've read about as much as one book *including the neon falafel sign outside my window (great when drunk). BUT that is not to say I haven't had many outstanding memories here. Take for example, when I got fired from my first job as a hostess in a trendy Tel Aviv restaurant, that was certainly memorable. Oh, and I musn't forget the time the landlady stole 1,000 shekels from me.