Will My Soul Look Cute In Heaven? : A Meditation On The Afterlife

I have been reading a lot about near death experiences lately. Fascinating as they are, all of the accounts I've read can't seem to evade the most unfortunate cliches; "white lights", "tunnels", "life reviews" etc.

And don't get me started on book titles; you can basically put any preposition before the word death and it exists as a book about the subject: "beyond death" "alongside death" "underneath death" "totally into death"

Dying shouldn't be a verb, as it is not active enough, especially when thinking about other, more thrilling verbs like "face-punching" or "quilting".

When I get to heaven, will my soul be attractive? I hope my consciousness is hot. Shit, if I want to survive up there, my soul better look good. Otherwise, what else have I got? Kindness? Boring. Virtue? Over it. Great soul- boobs? CHECK.

Do religions mix in heaven? I've always wanted to try out Greek Orthodox, as I have a thing for lamb and hair gel.

Do you think they have Karaoke in heaven?

Does heaven mean being stuck inside a giant YouTube video where a bunch of people sing 'I believe I can fly' in front of a giant green screen? I can imagine that. Who doesn't love singing Karaoke surrounded by a bunch of angelic cats and happy basketballs? Who? Find me this person.

Is heaven's backdrop one giant green screen?

Because every religion seems to have a different take on the whole heaven narrative.

I imagine the following scenes

Judaism:

Moses is your psychologist. You are lying on a giant pink sofa in the clouds. Suddenly god storms in, flushed with embarrassment "Pink, Moses? Seriously?" God says "Are you gay or did they give you a discount on this thing?"... " I'm really sorry about him" God'll whisper to you. "I'd get Woody Allen, but I don't have the heart to kill him yet. He really did redeem himself with Midnight in Paris"


Christianity:

All-you-can-eat buffet with a twenty piece band called "Lionel Richie and The Richies" made up of twenty Lionel Richies. They'll be singing "All Night Long" . On eternal loop. (here is the song).