Why Jews Shouldn't Drink

Whenever I drink too much, a few things happen.

1. I'm drunk.

2. I somehow become even more Jewish (i.e even more annoying).

3. I'm loud (surprise!), but not just any kind of loud, the worst kind of loud, the performative kind of loud; where I shout instead of speak, and end every sentence with the word "bagel".

4. Anyone that snubs me, or walks passed me without saying hello is considered anti-semitic.

5. I brag about my accomplishments. Of which I have two: 1. I was once voted “Most Outrageous” during graduation ceremony at the New York Center for Broccoli Studies. 2. I was awarded "Least Racist Detainee" by the head social worker at San Quentin (where I spent two weeks one summer- but that’s another story).

6. I have “one way conversations” wherein I talk to you for 20 minutes about that time I swore I had Leprosy "but turns out it was just crabs."

7. I make statements and back them up with stories instead of facts.

I'll say things like like: "Every Jew has the right to say their father is a lawyer."

And then I'll tell a story about how I once threatened a librarian with that line.

" I tried walking past the check-out desk with a bag full of un-scanned books ( I even threw in a few Holocausty tear- jerkers at the top of the pile), only to hear the alarm wail like my brother when he didn't get a Playstation for Hanukkah. I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly stuck in the back of my head."

"Don't bother charging me", I told the librarian, "my dad's totally a lawyer".

"Turns out the librarian was Quaker. Who knew?" (I throw my arms up for dramatic effect.) "Apparently Quakers don't have feelings."

"It's true!" I'll shout, as you back away. "I read it somewhere online"

Will My Soul Look Cute In Heaven? : A Meditation On The Afterlife

I have been reading a lot about near death experiences lately. Fascinating as they are, all of the accounts I've read can't seem to evade the most unfortunate cliches; "white lights", "tunnels", "life reviews" etc.

And don't get me started on book titles; you can basically put any preposition before the word death and it exists as a book about the subject: "beyond death" "alongside death" "underneath death" "totally into death"

Dying shouldn't be a verb, as it is not active enough, especially when thinking about other, more thrilling verbs like "face-punching" or "quilting".

When I get to heaven, will my soul be attractive? I hope my consciousness is hot. Shit, if I want to survive up there, my soul better look good. Otherwise, what else have I got? Kindness? Boring. Virtue? Over it. Great soul- boobs? CHECK.

Do religions mix in heaven? I've always wanted to try out Greek Orthodox, as I have a thing for lamb and hair gel.

Do you think they have Karaoke in heaven?

Does heaven mean being stuck inside a giant YouTube video where a bunch of people sing 'I believe I can fly' in front of a giant green screen? I can imagine that. Who doesn't love singing Karaoke surrounded by a bunch of angelic cats and happy basketballs? Who? Find me this person.

Is heaven's backdrop one giant green screen?

Because every religion seems to have a different take on the whole heaven narrative.

I imagine the following scenes

Judaism:

Moses is your psychologist. You are lying on a giant pink sofa in the clouds. Suddenly god storms in, flushed with embarrassment "Pink, Moses? Seriously?" God says "Are you gay or did they give you a discount on this thing?"... " I'm really sorry about him" God'll whisper to you. "I'd get Woody Allen, but I don't have the heart to kill him yet. He really did redeem himself with Midnight in Paris"


Christianity:

All-you-can-eat buffet with a twenty piece band called "Lionel Richie and The Richies" made up of twenty Lionel Richies. They'll be singing "All Night Long" . On eternal loop. (here is the song).

Sh'ello(shalom + 'ello) From England

Listen, I'm sorry. To put it simply, I've been avoiding you. Honestly, for a while, I just didn't feel like talking to you. I thought about going gay so I wouldn't have to blog anymore, but my heterosexuality is just too overt (my sunken Jewish eyes and vocal aversion to lesbians are probably the main give- aways.)

So why have I been avoiding you? Well, isn't it obvious? I've been busy working (watching TV online) and reading(watching TV on television) and well, living (watching TV naked). Can't I live?

Okay, I'm in England. I moved here two months ago. After graduating college and taking two years off to think about working, I was spent. One afternoon I was helping my niece with an English assignment, and I said to myself You know what? I really do like this English business. I think I'll go and get another degree. And here I am. In England. Getting an MA. I don't have a niece.

I'm not really "getting" an MA so much as I'm "taking it up". That's right, I said "taking it up", like a cooking class; pay enough and you can get someone famous like Gorden Ramsey to teach you how to braise scallops and then beat the verbal shit out of you with his unfounded rage.


I've been reading a lot of Freud lately. In an attempt to quell my sexual desires(which I have an excess of, apparently), I've been listening to Radiohead while lacerating my lips with a tree branch. It's the only logical conclusion.

What I'm trying to say is, I haven't made any friends yet. I know, you couldn't tell. But here I am, telling you.

I told my mom that I didn't have any friends and she said not to worry, that maybe I should try making friends with "verbs", and I said mom, you can't make friends with verbs, and then I thought maybe she wanted me to befriend some Native Americans because they use verbs in their tribal names (running horse, floating cricket, etc). But then I thought about it some more and I realized she just wanted me to leave my room.

Stay tuned.

Sincerely,

Judith

Blood Clots

It's all about strokes these days.

In fact, the other day, I was watching a video of a neuroanatomist who had a stroke. She had a big clot in the left hemisphere of her brain, and one morning she woke up to realize she couldn't speak/ understand language/ the boundries of her body, etc.
She was happy, for a moment, she said.

I mean, when you think about it, she's clearly saying that the left side or the "analytical side" of the brain is Jewish. We'd all be secretly happy if it were gone.

I recently read a study comparing the left side of the brain to a Jew on ritalin.
One patient who had a clot on his right hemisphere, exhibited extreme emotional discomfort and irritation, and at one point, it was noted, he yelled "please, for the love of god, stop talking". When the patient was asked who was talking, he replied, "I don't know her name, but she has a nasaly voice and, for some reason, I feel she has a big nose." He continued, "She asked why I wasn't in graduate school. 'Your brother Joshua has a PHD!', the woman kept yelling. And then she went on about the holocaust, and diet soda. I couldn't make her stop."

In conclusion, if I lost the left side of my brain, would that make me a Christian by default? Because I would be fine with that.

Maybe Christianity needs to expand their conversion process to include the induction of blood clots. Because, come on, a fucking priest waving a stick over my head and sprinkling water on my face isn't going to erase 23 years of guilt. A stroke will.

Small Teeth

Wouldn't it be funny to describe someone as having small teeth? As though small teeth said something about your personality. Like, Oh he has small teeth? Yeah, he's gay. And he is gay, but that is just a coincidence.


Girl 1: Yeah, I met a guy with small teeth yesterday. You know those kind of guys.

Girl 2: Yeah, Totally

I'm not dead. Do you care?

My soul was recently salted, dried, and shamelessly torn to pieces by corporate Israel. Now, while I am "physically" still alive, I am completely dead in every other respect.

What I'm trying to say is, I decided to become an adult and get a real office job. One of those shady hi-tech companies offered me employment me as a content writer. I took the job impulsively, because I wanted to work and because I am impulsive. I didn't realize what it would actually be like. Sitting in front of a computer for nine hours a day, writing mindless, eye-stabbing promotions is not anything like they described in the interview. I specifically remember the phrase "bar-mitzvah atmosphere" being tossed around. And let me tell you, that is not AT ALL what they meant. And excuse me, but I can only drink so much powdered french-vanilla coffee before exploding in diarrhea.

Nine hours... that's a really long time. I could do a lot of other way more interesting stuff in nine hours.

Here is a list of things I could do other than my job.

Watch 9 movies

Ask 9 people for my hand in marriage (I’d of course, politely decline).

And so on..

Things That I Cannot Deal With

Living in Tel Aviv after college is not as sponatenous as the idea. At first, you are more concerned with getting the fuck out of New York than you are with having another life somewhere else. And then you get to Israel, where, very shortly after you realize you're dealing with a higher ratio of incompetent people than you dealt with in the states. Two months later, your boss agrees to increase your pathetic salary by a shekel. That's when you start to lose control. DO NOT LAUGH, IDIOT. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

Here is a current list of things I cannot deal with

Not Having A Gratifying Job
I'm an underpaid English language teacher. English language teacher. As in, I speak the language I teach, so I'm not learning anything (except that I've started using words I wouldn't normally use in conversation, like "product line" from my Business English class, and "Mr. Bean", from my kids class... You know, the one I've given up teaching alltogether.) I should start stealing.

Being a Jew
Take away the J and all you're left with is "ew". Do you see what I'm getting at here?

Living in an Old Apartment
So many people with unfinished business must have lived here, because when I sit on this rusty toilet at night, I swear I can hear the voice of an old yemenite man whispering " Please don't poop, it's not polite. Shalom".

The Weather is Great, but I Don't go Outside
It's sunny everyday, and everyone is outside. Except me. I'm inside. I'm teaching or I'm in my apartment. Really, I resent the weather and the outdoors. Because they enjoy themselves and other people enjoy them, while I limp around inside all day like a sad Jew creature.

Having an Acute Pot Addiction
I'm just going to go ahead and put it out there. When it's around, I'm around (sometimes I go out of my way to be around.)
Hey, at least I go to the gym (two weeks and strong).