Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sh'ello(shalom + 'ello) From England

Listen, I'm sorry. To put it simply, I've been avoiding you. Honestly, for a while, I just didn't feel like talking to you. I thought about going gay so I wouldn't have to blog anymore, but my heterosexuality is just too overt (my sunken Jewish eyes and vocal aversion to lesbians are probably the main give- aways.)

So why have I been avoiding you? Well, isn't it obvious? I've been busy working (watching TV online) and reading(watching TV on television) and well, living (watching TV naked). Can't I live?

Okay, I'm in England. I moved here two months ago. After graduating college and taking two years off to think about working, I was spent. One afternoon I was helping my niece with an English assignment, and I said to myself You know what? I really do like this English business. I think I'll go and get another degree. And here I am. In England. Getting an MA. I don't have a niece.

I'm not really "getting" an MA so much as I'm "taking it up". That's right, I said "taking it up", like a cooking class; pay enough and you can get someone famous like Gorden Ramsey to teach you how to braise scallops and then beat the verbal shit out of you with his unfounded rage.


I've been reading a lot of Freud lately. In an attempt to quell my sexual desires(which I have an excess of, apparently), I've been listening to Radiohead while lacerating my lips with a tree branch. It's the only logical conclusion.

What I'm trying to say is, I haven't made any friends yet. I know, you couldn't tell. But here I am, telling you.

I told my mom that I didn't have any friends and she said not to worry, that maybe I should try making friends with "verbs", and I said mom, you can't make friends with verbs, and then I thought maybe she wanted me to befriend some Native Americans because they use verbs in their tribal names (running horse, floating cricket, etc). But then I thought about it some more and I realized she just wanted me to leave my room.

Stay tuned.

Sincerely,

Judith